Rough Week

So I have been neglecting my blog...Yes, I know... So here is an update on where I am now. Last friday I had me egg retrieval. 19 eggs retrieved, 16 mature enough for fertilization, 11 fertilized!! So happy with that number. Procedure was fine, sedation was fine, given Vicodin and sent home. I did tell my RE and the Nurse that I have difficulty with pain killers and that I have had reactions to both Tordol and Percocet. I go home feeling crampy but nothing too major. I live about 1 hour and 15min away from the fertility surgery center. About half way home the cramps get a little worse so I take my first Vicodin. Go home, eat Checkers(don't ask) and go to sleep. I woke up starting to feel cramped and now my whole body is starting to hurt. I was trying to figure out why. They did transfer me from one bed to another while I was asleep, and I have seen surgery on TV, they aren't exactly gentle with people...I decide its about the time I can take another Vicodin. About an hour into the second one, I realize that my body isn't sore, my chest is tight. I guess I was still doped up from the anesthesia or something, b/c this was w/o a doubt the same tight chest pain that I got when I took Tordol. It wasn't near as bad but it was still there. The problem with this symptom is that, its such a scarey feeling that your anxiety almost makes it worse. Because it wasn't as bad as previous reactions, I decided to wait it out and just stop taking it. At this point, it was evening so I just went to bed. I had to sleep sitting up b/c the chest pain was worse laying down. I woke up mid night, took ibuprofen, went back to sleep. Next morning took another ibuprofen and felt ok. I ate breakfast and sat down to read my discharge instructions since I was still foggy on what I had read. Of course, the 4th point was NO IBUPROFEN PRODUCTS. :-) So I call the Re and explained...They assured me it will be fine just don't take anymore and the only thing I can take is Tylenol Extra Strength. They should really put the word "worthless" accross the bottom of that bottle. Anyway...I did take it regularly the following day but I also got up and down alot, did light cleaning and ate whatever I wanted. I had no idea what was ahead of me.
That night I was in ALOT of pain. It was horrible. I cried and laid in bed in fetal postition. I paged the on call doctor who told me there wasn't anything she could do, if I needed pain management, I had to go to the emergency room b/c of my allergic reactions. The next day, it occured to me that there was no way I was going to be able to get my husband from the airport. I could barely make it back and forth from the bathroom. So I called my neighbor, whom I know, but I am not super close too. I was balling!! I had to ask if her husband could pick up mine at the airport(about 45min away). I felt so bad asking someone to drop everything and take 2 hours out of their day but I was dying! I don't know that I have ever been in that much pain for that much time. It was exhausting. My husband is not a huge sympethetic person but I think he could tell how bad I was when he got home. On monday morning, I called my nurse to let her know what was going on. She told me, no water, juice, or food. Gatorade, ensure and boost only. Glad I was getting this information now, after 3 days of pain! She thinks I have OHSS, ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, and wants to see me tomorrow morning. If there is fluid in my abdomin, I will have to go back to the surgery center so they can drain the fluid. That night, I am awaken AGAIN in pain. I call the nurses voicemail crying, and ask if I can go straight to the surgery center in the morning. That morning I woke up and felt better and I hadn't heard back from the nurse, so we head to the office for my appt. There was fluid in my abdomin but they opted to not drain it. Two reasons. One, it appeared that it had shrunk some on its own and two, if they drained it, they would cancel the egg transfer till the next cycle.
So good news...I was starting to feel better and the transfer is still on.
Bad news....they say that if the embryo implants, once the pregnancy hormones kick in, the fluid will build back up and I will be in pain. i cried when they told me that. the idea of that feeling coming back scares the hell out of me.

Waiting and anticipating...

The waiting is the hardest part, I think. It allows you time to eithor dream about the future or mentally sabatoge it. What surprises me the most about this, is other people's responses. I still get emails or comments from friends and family saying, "hurry up" or "when are you going to be pregnant already". In the beginning of this long road, I heard that all the time and even though the coments still hurt, they didn't surprise me. But at this point in the game, it shocks me that people still say that, knowing what we are going through. IVF has a 50% success rate per cycle. That is not a guarentee and there are plenty of people that have gone through it 6+ times with no luck. What goes through your mind, when you tell some one in my situation to "hurry up"? I am hesitant to tell these certain people when I should be finished b/c I am honestly worried that they will be on the phone to me the day I am done, asking if it worked or not. And that's insane.

Maybe I am just being overly sensitive. I do feel like my hormones are all over the place and I find myself crying to at least one show or comercial the last few nights. :-) And some of them are'nt even sad. LOL. I was reminded by my husband yesterday of his upcoming business trip, that I had forgot about. It will leave him away for most of his "month off". I hate that. Excpecially at a time like this. I will be done with the fertility treatments when he leaves, but only by a few days. Chances are he will be away when I get my pregnancy test. That sucks! I know I will be a wreck no matter which way it goes.

The countdown to monday (day 1 of Lupron) continues....

My medications

Trying to conceive on birth control

Its still kind of humorous to me that you have to take birth control during the IVF process. Who researched that? Where did they get that idea? Its all so interesting to me. Anyway.... Before I began this whole journey, I never really new my body. I had no clue that there were symptoms throughout my entire cycle that were indicators as to where my body was in that cycle. For example, I had no clue that when you ovulate you actually get cramps, discharge and other period like symptoms. Once I identified what my body was telling me, it made "trying" at the appropriate times of the month much easier. Every once in awhile I would check myself by taking a ovulation test and sure enough every time I took one, I was ovulating. I never new these things before when I was on birth control. Sooo, this brings me to now. This is the first time in 3 years that I have been on birth control again. I just started about a week and a half ago in preparation for my egg retrieval. Weird thing is, I am still getting my ovulation symptoms. Not sure if that is normal or not, or if it takes more than a month for the birth control to change that, or if I just never noticed before b/c I didn't know. In my mind, I would think that since your not ovulating, you shouldn't have those symptoms. Birth control makes your body "think" its pregnant, so why would you cramp and have discharge while on the pill? Note to self, ask the doctor that next week. For my own curiosity and maybe yours....

Day 1

So Day 1 has come and gone... I think I am at day 10 now, something like that. I started my increased Synthroid and have been feeling alot better, more energy, etc. They also started me on birth control for 4 weeks. I was told that the birth control organizes your egg in a nice neat organized line, which aides in the retreival process in a few weeks. Weird, huh? My husband has been awesome! He has come with me to my appointments and has been very supportive with everything including the thyroid news I was hit with last week. It has been so nice having him in this with me.

So I ordered all of my medications this last week. Luckily the doctor had collected some samples for me, which saved us about $1,500. THANK YOU! We spent about $1,800 for the remainder of the medicine. I am sure there will be a couple other minor things to get but that was the bulk. So yeah, the box arrives. I see it on the doorstep and think, wow thats a large box, there must be alot of bubble wrap in there... OMG!!!!! I am in shock. I actually called the pharmacy and asked them if this was all for one cycle. There is sooo much stuff. It scared the crap out of me. I told my husband, I am going to look like a human pin cushion. I know I am sensitive to medications, because of my past fertility experience and from some previous allergic reactions to unrelated drugs, so how am I going to do with all of this??? After my husbands quick pep talk - "well do you want a baby or not" :-) , I moved on. I think thats why I married him, sometimes I need somone to just be blunt about it. He is funny. Really there isn't anything I can do. Its scarey but, here we go....

I am not scheduled to start any shots until the April 20. So i am just waiting till then. I do plan on posting a picture of the rediculous amount of medications they sent me. I think it is important for anyone who hasn't started yet to be prepared b/c I had no clue.

So here we go...

Last month they reran our basic tests to make sure there weren't any changes in me or my husbands fertility health. Everything cleared except my thyroid again. Your blood should measure a thyroid (tsh) btwn a 1-4 and I was a 3.99 which is better than I have tested for in the past, but it was still too high to be doing fertility with. They referred me to a Endocrine Doc to do further tests and get my levels around a 1.00. Why I wasn't sent to one earlier bugs me but whatever, I can't dwell on it. I go to the Endo. doc and they ultrasound my thyroid. She finds lumps on my thyroid and sends me for more blood work. I really have never had anything majorly wrong with me before, so that did make me nervous. I didn't know what lumps meant, nor did the physician really answer my question as to what that would mean. I went back about 3 weeks ago for the results. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, a chronic thyroid disease, or autoimmune disease, that attacks your thyroid and causes scar tissue to form on your thyroid. If left untreated it causes a list of crazy issues, but if treated, you should be fine. The major issue that is of concern, is that it causes "increased frequency of miscarriages". So is this the cause of my fertility? Have I been getting pregnant and the fertilized egg can't attach? Who knows. I contacted my fertility doctor, who has assured me that if we can get my thyroid levels at a 1.00, and monitor it closely, it shouldn't interfere. Its only going to be a risk if I spike back up to a 3, 4 or more. For some reason, my response to all this was pure anger. I wasn't sad, I was pissed off. First of all, why hadn't this been diagnosed before. I was already at the point of having scar tissue, so I have had it for awhile. And second, IVF and miscarriages are unrelated, so if that is the cause of all of this, we could have a long road ahead. Meaning, IVF could get me pregnant but if my body doesn't want to keep it, than its not going to and IVF can't help that. But the fertility doc is optimistic that as long as my levels are good, it will work. So, I am trying to be optimistic. I stopped reading other people articles online about their multiple miscarriages with Hashi's disease b/c it was just making my mind wonder. I have to listen to my doctor over what I read on the internet. I think I am just trying to go through this experience with no expectations, that way if it works, great, but i it doesn't, I won't be let down again. Or maybe that is just what I am telling myself. :-)

Our history continued...

The only part about the first cycle that was hard, was the end. Not just the finding out it was unsuccessful, but my period. It was really heavy and the cramps were worse than normal. Ok, its worth it, its helping us try to get pregnant. I can handle it. I did have some water retention throughout the cycle b/c of the drugs but not to bad. So I venture back to the doctor. Whats next. They are going to up the drugs and this time instead of timed intercourse, they are going to do IUI (intra-uterine insemination), otherwise known as artificial insemination. With that, I do the same injections and medications as the first time, a little stronger, and for 2 days around my ovulation they "turkey baste" my husbands sperm deep into my uterus right at the entrace to my fallopian tube.

So I start the whole thing over again. Medications...dr's appts...blood work... I drive to their main facility both days and they do the artifical insemination. Again, my husband schedule leaves him at sea the days I go in for the insemination. It was no big deal, took about 10 minutes, 9 of which is laying on the table afterward before you can leave. Quick, easy, painless... I go home at the end of the second day and this time is it. I know it! I am going to be pregnant. My brain is wondering about what we are going to have, how I am going to decorate the room, lalalalala... Two weeks go by, and I am speeding to the drug store once again to purchase the pregnancy test that will go in my little ones baby album.

Negative.... Oh my god! I actually didn't cry, I was really upset but I didn't cry. I acted like nothing happened. I was numb. The fertility center requires that you come in for bloodwork regardless whether you think you are pregnant or not. So I make my appt, knowing its going to be negative, and go in for the blood work. I get to the office and sign in and literally start balling my eyes out at the counter. I felt so stupid but I couldn't control it. My "amazing" nurse that I was assigned to, came rushing out of her office to get me out of the waiting room of onlooking hormonal women. Probably not good for business. :-) LOL. I explained to her that I knew I wasn't pregnant and I just didn't want to be there. I didn't want to have to be "reconfirmed" that yes, I WASN'T PREGNANT. I just wanted to be home and not think about it. I was surprised that I got so upset, my emotions were finally crashing down. I mean, I cried a couple times over the course of the last 1 1/2yr but nothing like this. Plus, the increased medication had really taken a toll on me this time. I had alot of water retention, expecially in my ankles. I was swollen all over, even in my lips. I felt like I had Angelina lips, but really they were that big, just felt like it. To make it worse, and I personally think, more emoitional, the period was horrible. The bleeding was very heavy and the cramps were miserable. We were driving back from the beach, the day my cramps hit, and I had to pull over for my husband to drive b/c they were so bad. I road the rest of the way back curled up in the passenger seat. Had it not been for a weekend and us being out of town, I would have been calling the doctor requesting some sort of pain medicine. It was not fun!

I decided at this point that I couldn't keep doing this. I wasn't going to go through another expensive and uncomfortable cycle for it not to work. I couldn't afford it, I was affraid of it being more painful and emotionally I couldn't do it again. At this point, we had spent about $8k and we had no baby. The doctor recommended eithor one more try with medications and IUI, or going straight to IVF (in-vitro fertilization). The IVF program was $20,000 plus the cost of drugs, which ranged from $3k-5k per cycle. With the $20k, we get up to 6 attempts and if we don't deliver a live baby we get a full refund, excluding the cost of the drugs. HOLY CRAP, $25,000... Who can afford that? How are we going to every have children? This is so unfair! Why us? No way... We will look into adoption or foster care, something. Sticker shock!

I never I stopped thinking about our fertility but I stopped being active in it at this point. I needed a break and we didn't have that kind of money anyway. It was a good break...We did what we wanted, when we wanted... We went away...We decided to move... I stayed busy. Selling the house and moving kept me occupied. As the couple months passed, the urge to get back into fertility increased again. After 3 years of trying, it was time. It was getting harder and harder as more of our friends were catching up with us and getting married and getting pregnant. Pregnancy is running rampant in our group of friends. This was the point that I really saw a increase in the support from my husband. I am not saying that he wasn't supportive before, because he was, but I think his own desire really began to increase as his own "buddies" were having kids. It was different before b/c we were the only ones trying which meant we were going to be the first ones to give up our partying, bar hopping lifestyle. But now, everyone was settling down. Our friends and family were coming over for parties with the kids. And we were getting a little older, it was time. Our plan of having children young, and being able to have retirement kids free was starting to dwindle if we didn't do something soon. Eithor do it now, or wait a couple years, enjoy this time and do it later. We decide now is the time.

So I eagerly make the appointment to meet my new doctor. Same practice, but closer to our new home. He confirms what our other doctor had stated, but he pushes the IVF more than the additional cycle of IUI. More so because it seemed dumb to spend another $4k for a procedure that was guarenteed, when we had already spent so much. We spend the next couple weeks figuring out how we are going to pay for all of this. Thanks to the amazing care and suport of our family, we were able to avoid the rediculously high interest rates that the healthcare financing companys slam you with. Anyway, we make the exciting trip back to the fertility center to sign all the forms and write the big check.... So exciting!!!!